If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
