The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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