They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
