My boss' voice literally gives me gas
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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