your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
