My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
