I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I just put wine in my tea
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
