I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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