my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
