my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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