ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
