you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I would fuck him just for his dog
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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