I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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