I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
