Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
