I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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