god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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