This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
