I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
