one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
