she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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