Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize