doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
