i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
