my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
