ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
