chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
