i just sent this text using only my big toe
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
