Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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I need you to use more vowels.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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