That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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