I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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