i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
