he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
