btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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