I feel like abortions should bother me more
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
