I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
