I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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