please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
