Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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