saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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