Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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