why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize