i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
