i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
