My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
