so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
