I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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