so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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