Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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