the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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