there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
