She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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