so that wasnt chicken after all
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
