if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
