i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
