i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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