Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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