i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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