Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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