dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
