If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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